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June 25, 2014
Nick Young Lakers

Swaggy is as Swaggy does

The 2014 NBA season is in the books, ending with the absolute dismantling of the Miami Heat at the hands of Kawhi “98 Mos Def” Leonard, Tim Duncan, Patty Mills and the rest of Greg Poppovich’s San Antonio Spurs.  With the Finals over , it’s time to turn the page to a highly-anticipated free agency period.

It’s not even July 1st yet, and the plot of this offseason’s biggest story is already in motion. To the surprise of many, one of the NBA’s most exciting and dynamic playmakers announced he was opting out of the final year of his deal in order to test free agency. Even months before Donald Sterling shared his thoughts about Instagram best practices, this was expected to be THE story of the 2014 NBA offseason.  ESPN has let Brian Windhorst out of his cage and introduced a brand new SportsCenter set in time to carpet bomb sports fans with coverage.


That’s right.  Nick “Swaggy P” Young is opting out of the final year of his contract.

NBA general managers from Daryl Morey to  Flip Saunders have cleared cap space over the course of the season, frantically shedding salaries at the trade deadline and amnestying awful contracts in order to make a run at Swaggy P.

Why make a run at Nick Young, you ask?  The tape speaks for itself:

As you can see, Nick Young brings a lot to the table: very missed layups, the rare ability to break his own ankles off the dribble, and an inability to inbound the ball. But when you have swag, you don’t need to worry about the fundamentals.

Sometimes, videotape lies. Numbers never do, though.  Believe it or not, Swaggy put up some numbers for the 2013-14 Lakers (17.9 PPG, a career-high 135 3P made… and a career high 95 turnovers*), mainly because it’s impossible to not score a certain number of points in the context of an NBA game.  Plus, the problem with any team coached by Mike D’Antoni is never scoring, but a complete and utter unwillingness to play anything resembling defense. By that token, Swaggy P was a standout Laker.


Now that we’ve learned why Young is worthy of a max contract, let’s Nicksplain how a number of teams with cap space could conceivably offer a max deal to Swaggy P.

Boston Celtics 

According to Bill Simmons’ “NBA buddies” that he keeps chained up in his basement next to Nate Silver, the Celtics would shed Tommy Heinson’s Comcast Sportsnet salary and re-sign fan favorite Brian Scalabrine to a minimum veteran deal in order to clear cap enough cap space to sing Nick Young to a max deal. In one of his shrewdest moves yet, Celtics GM Danny Ainge inserts a clause that voids Young’s contract should Rajon Rondo (more or less the antithesis of Young in the sense that he cares about winning and can’t hit a jumper to save his life) beat him in a game of Connect Four. This option is exercised shortly after their first practice together.

Brooklyn Nets

The Nets seal the deal by agreeing to pay Swaggy P mostly in clothing from Hood By Air, Been Trill, and whatever other #Streetwear #brands that the kids too cool for Supreme are wearing these days.

New York Knicks

James Dolan blacks out and sends Nick Young $20 million through Venmo. Phil Jackson, tripping on Ayahuasca at the time, is forcibly removed from the Bronx Botanical Garden shortly after receiving a text from Young confirming the deal that reads “TURN DOWN FOR WHAT? (followed by the “100” emoji repeated ad nauseam)”.

Philadelphia 76ers

In an unprecedented move, the ‘Sixers decide to tank again, this time for no particular reason. In order to sign Young, the team sheds all of its other assets besides the cryogenic chamber they were going to freeze Joel Embiid in, Nerlens Noel’s high-top fade, and Michael Carter Williams.

Toronto Raptors

Drake sends Young a series of desperate texts that begins with “You’re a good guard and you know it” before escalating to an awkward plea to “be Swaggy for me…”. Somehow, it works.  Sources within the organization deny that Rob Ford and Lamar Odom took Young out in an effort to seal the deal.

Chicago Bulls

This would be a sign-and-trade deal. As in the Bulls sign Nick Young and trade his healthy knee ligaments to Derrick Rose for his bad ones. Somehow, Swaggy P’s Player Efficiency Rating increases.

Cleveland Cavaliers

Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert trades the #1 overall pick and his BFF  Machine Gun Kelly to TDE/ Kendrick Lamar (Swaggy P’s real-life cousin) in exchange for Young and the right to tell everyone that Isaiah Rashad is actually from Cleveland. Weeks later, a very stoned Swaggy P leaves the oven on while making Pizza Rolls at Johnny Football’s house, burning the city of Cleveland to the ground. Gilbert pretends this was his plan all along.

Detroit Pistons

New Pistons Coach and President of Basketball Operations  Stan Van Gundy signs Young to a max deal, claiming “I don’t know, he just looks like a guy that could tell good dick jokes  in the locker room to lighten up the mood”. As an unexpected benefit, Josh Smith immediately looks like he cares about winning a lot more than he actually does.

Indiana Pacers

After signing Young, Pacers coach Frank Vogel refuses to give Swaggy P any playing time. Instead, Vogel keeps Young off to the side of every practice, and whispers “see that guy? Don’t be that guy” to Roy Hibbert every few minutes.  Hibbert goes on to enjoy a career year. Swaggy P also manages to embroil himself in a juvenile prank war with Lance Stephenson, which culminates with Aziz Ansari hitting Stephenson in the nuts on a live episode of Parks and Rec.

Milwaukee Bucks

Citing difficulty pronouncing his name, the Bucks’ new ownership group decides to release Giannis “the Greek Freak” Antetokounmpo and replace him with someone with a more Amurican name, Nick Young.

Atlanta Hawks

In addition to offering him a max contract, the Hawks convince Atlanta mayor Kasim Reed to give Swaggy P’s girlfriend Iggy Azalea a key to the city, given that it’s the only thing she hadn’t stolen from ATL.  Continuing with her history of appropriating the cultures of other races while managing to offend them at the same time, she accepts it garbed in a “sexy” confederate uniform.

Charlotte Hornets

Michael Jordan’s ruthless competitive drive to add Swaggy P to the roster (saying “he reminds me of myself in my JV days”) was so intense that Jordan allowed Nick Young to beat him in a game of 21 in an effort to turn him into the ultimate Irrational Confidence Guy. Jordan then takes a medical leave of absence from the team, claiming his “brain hurts” from the cognitive dissonance of letting himself lose in order to win.

Miami Heat

Just kidding. He doesn’t go to the Heat.

Golden State Warriors

Much like Lebron, Wade and Bosh in 2010, Swaggy P colludes with Brandon “Lil B the Based God” McCartney to get him signed by the Golden State Warriors, bringing him one step closer to his dream of defeating Kevin Durant on the court.

Los Angeles Clippers

After initially targeting Kevin Love in free agency, new Clippers owner Steve Ballmer suddenly realizes two weeks into free agency that it “probably wouldn’t be a good PR Move” to bring in a high-profile white player. But by this point, Lebron, Carmelo and everyone else on the market besides Greg Oden has been snatched up by a team with a better record of racial harmony.  Young just kinds of wanders into Doc Rivers’ office and asks if he can play. After a heavy sigh, Doc simply says “Fuck it. Why not”.

Los Angeles Lakers

The Lakers get Young to agree to a “hometown discount” after Kobe pulls some strings to halt the LAPD’s investigation into the legality of things Swaggy P has done to Iggy Azalea’s ass.

Houston Rockets

Rockets GM and advanced statistics evangelist Daryl Morey returns from a sabermetrics conference in Las Vegas visibly strung out, shirt untucked, shoe missing. He storms back into his office mumbling something about a “player’s ideal swag to turnt ratio”.  Without consulting anyone in the organization, he signs Young to a max contract and releases Jeremy Lin. The Rockets cruise to the best record at the all-star break, and Morey presents an award-winning paper at the MIT-Sloan Sports Analytics Conference.

San Antonio Spurs

Bored of winning titles with a well-constructed roster, Gregg Popovich successfully lobbies the Spurs’ front office to sign Nick Young to a max contract “just to make things interesting”.  Young starts every game, and the rest of the squad slowly warms up to him. Eventually, Tim Duncan gets in the habit of shouting “Turn Up” as he prepares an herbal tea for his evening bath.

Minnesota Timberwolves

After hiring himself as head coach of the Timberwolves, team President of Basketball Operations Flip Saunders decides to sign Young, figuring that he’s the only active player that would have had the audacity to hire himself.

Oklahoma City Thunder

Anxious to end #thebasedgodscurse while Kevin Durant is still in the prime of his career, OKC extends a max contract to Swaggy P, a member of the Task Force who once claimed that “Lil B has the most swag in the NBA“.  The Thunder cruise through the regular season, until Durant breaks his frail little arm punching Young in the jaw after he plays “F*ck KD” in the locker room for the 82nd straight game. Without him, Oklahoma City is swept out of the first round.

There is no escaping the Based God’s curse.



*Astoundingly, his previous career high of 94 TO’s came in his rookie season  despite only starting two games for the Wiz.



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